Cabbage Soupapalooza: Day 2

Before I get into Day 2 of the Cabbage Soup Diet, I just want to bitch about something. And yes, I’m aware I may be cranky because of the diet. Goddamn cabbage soup.

I sat stuck in traffic for a full 30 minutes getting from Vine to La Brea because of the “Fred Clause” premiere at Grauman’s Chinese. That’s not my complaint. I don’t mind a good premiere... or a bad one for that matter.

As I sat there, I saw a bus roll by in the other direction with an ad for the upcoming “Alvin and the Chipmunks” movie. It read “ALVIN!!!!!!!!!!” The last exclamation mark was cut off at the end of the ad as if to suggest the exclamation marks may go on for quite some time. Like Dave is really fucking pissed.

Here’s the thing: The text-only, all-caps, running-off-the-edge thing was also done in ads for “Live Free or Die Hard.” Those ads read “YIPPEE KI YAY MO” with the “O” slightly cut off at the end. I know it’s just a bus ad for what will surely be a shitty movie, but come on. They couldn’t think of anything else?

It got me thinking about studios’ complete lack of originality, even in their ads. Look at posters for all the wacky comedies that have come out in the past few years. Everything from “Not Another Teen Movie” (2001) to “Wedding Crashers” (2005) to “License to Wed” (2007) features red sans serif text on a white background. Because red-on-white screams yuks, I guess. And, you know, when I see red text now, I burst out laughing. Not really, though.

I have to tell you the trend is so offensively unoriginal, if I see it on a poster for a new movie, I will generally stay away from the flick. If they can’t find a unique way to advertise it, how unique could it be? By the way, I did have the misfortune of seeing 20 minutes of the turd-tacular “License to Wed” and it confirmed my theory. I could have made a better movie with my butt.

Speaking of my butt, it is now one pound lighter. I weighed in this morning at 160. That means in one day, I have paid my debt to Shylock. The bad part is I am already sick of cabbage soup and I still have six days to go. I now see how the diet works, though. You can eat all the cabbage soup you want, you just don’t want to eat any.

In all honesty, the soup isn’t bad. In fact, as far as soups go, I’d say it’s right up there with minestrone and tom ka kai. Okay, maybe not tom ka kai. The thing is, when it’s the only thing you can eat, you get sick of it lickety-split. At least I do. Or did. I’m fucked.

And to answer Joe’s point about how we could have started the diet next week, I say, “No, we couldn’t have.” Trust me. There were other factors in play. Plus, this is the true test of will. Like quitting smoking cold turkey... mmmm, turkey.

Comments

[Joe]

And not just turkey, but green beans sautéed in garlic; cold-carrot salad, mashed potatoes with brown gravy and hot biscuits dripping with melted butter.

I AM a dick.