Who Needs Flavor?

Over the years, I’ve given plenty of instances where my writing has either foretold the future or, quite possible, altered the course of fate. In another stunning example of this, my last post was either a rough prophecy of or the direct reason for my other reality show gig coming through. The same day they told me they’d have no work until after the New Year, they called saying they had work after all. Praise be me and my powers.

When I mentioned the Cabbage Soup Diet thing, I wasn’t kidding. My wife wanted to cleanse her system and dragged me along for the misery. She and her mom did this once before and it made my mother-in-law randomly pass out. So I have that to look forward to.

The diet is also known as the Dolly Parton Diet, but as far as I know, I will not gain mongo ta-tas and a great singing voice. What I will gain is a straight week of homemade cabbage soup, which tastes exactly like it sounds. Every once in a while, you get to add something to your meal, but sadly these things do not include bacon double cheeseburgers or chili fries.

Here’s what I hate about watching what I eat and exercising. You have to work to get in shape, then you have to continue working to stay in shape. You’re never just in shape. I long for my high school and college days when I had the metabolism of a hummingbird on Dexies. I could eat two large pizzas a night and still look like Kate Moss’ anorexic brother.

Today is day one of the 7-day diet. And in case you were doing the math, yes, that means I will be having cabbage soup for Thanksgiving. I said goodbye to yummy food last night with a Coke, a grilled cheese sandwich and a box of Milk Duds. This morning, I weighed in at 161. (Shocked the hell out of me, actually. I mean, I have a little belly, but 161? For God’s sake. Maybe I do need this cabbage soup crap.) I’ll report in on how things progress throughout the week, including the inevitable junk food binge next Monday.

Comments

[Joe]

Good luck man. I bitched, I mean blogged about the Fat Resistance Diet my wife and I were on last spring. I lost about 10-12 pounds but it's starting to creep back up. If I could ever get myself to exercise I'd probably be fine, but watching movies and reading is infinitely more appealing.

By the way, bad timing on the start of this diet. Next Monday would work just as well.